Baby Steps

Here is my "training plan" right now:

And the first week I didn't even get a little picture because my physical therapist figured I could remember how to lie on my back (abs engaged) and "march" (=the baby step version of "toe taps"). That taught my left leg (hip flexors, some ligament I can't remember the name of, and hamstrings) to "learn" from my right leg. Apparently it didn't know how to do some basic stuff like lift up and down in a straight line using the correct muscles.  Who knew?  I was kinda under the impression that your legs learned that stuff pretty early on - like in your first year - not in your 29th* year! Don't know what my left leg was doing all those years ago but it has some serious catching up to do.  

Let the learning commence!  It is AMAZING how committed I am to these little exercises.  It is also AMAZING how much harder those suckers are than I thought they would be.  It felt good to be sore - actually sore - from "working out".  Hey, you take what you can get. 

Other Stuff - 

You don't have to tell any but the very newest triathletes that our sport is about more than swim, bike, run. Endurance, recovery, gear, mental focus, nutrition - all of these are part of the lifestyle.  For me, an incredible and rewarding part of the journey has also been recovery from long ago emotional trauma.  I've exorcised demon after demon.  So, knowing how much the physical challenge of training has impacted and strengthened me emotionally - I don't know why I didn't expect the reverse!  

From February 2nd on, this year has been jam packed with stressful events for me and my family.  Nothing tragic - and I am most definitely grateful for that - but the hits, they just kept coming.  And stacking.  And compounding.  I looked to training to help me process and "fix" everything but it just didn't work. We were simply overwhelmed. Training was a slog.  I was tired.  Everything, everywhere was just so frickin difficult.  As a weight loss coach, I talk to my clients ALL THE TIME about how stress affects the body's ability to achieve and maintain ideal body size.  I've read all those studies about how depression and trauma can suppress the immune system.  I know all about how over training can lead to decreased performance and injury.  I just didn't put all of those intellectual pieces together and apply them to our training woes.  How could I be over training when I was following a training plan I've followed three other times? Why was I so much slower? Where was my endurance? Why didn't any of our "training foods" sit well? 

I thought I had learned to listen to my body. But I was listening to my mind, not my body.  My body was saying, "Slow down.  Stop.  Rest." My mind was saying, "You wimp. Get out there.  You've done this before.  If you don't follow the plan, you won't be able to finish the race." Well, duh.  My poor, sweet body did NOT care about non-refundable race fees, or how training was last year.  It was trying to process emotional stress after emotional stress.  My body said, "Please stop. I've got enough to deal with.  I can't keep up." My mind said, "You are a triathlete!  Half iron even!  Push through! Training will help you deal with stress!" (And in retrospect, I think training WOULD have helped me process the stress if I had had the presence of mind body to give up the race and keep the mileage low and the workouts short.)  Instead, the mixed signals escalated the situation. 

My mind was loud.  My body got louder.  It finally said, "STOP RIGHT THIS EFFIN MINUTE!" And here I sit.  On the couch.  Now granted it is Sunday - I would be sitting right here on the couch watching football** even if I were fully healthy and training perfectly for the B2B half iron.  But I would be sitting here sore, tired, and happy with myself for getting a long workout in before football.  Sigh.

I'm grateful for this lesson.  I'm grateful for the timing.  I want to learn all the lessons Ironman has to offer and I figure this is one to learn two plus years out.  I am a half iron triathlete.  Can't take that away.  And I proved to myself it wasn't a fluke: I went back and bettered my time.  So if I have to miss a race - a third B2B is an ok one to miss out on.  I'm committed to being healthy and strong.  Always stronger than before.  I am committed to becoming iron. Thank you my blogging buddies for still being around.  :)

Peace!

* 29? Ha ha ha.
**Speaking of football - GO TITANS!!  It was a seriously good day in Football Land.  Titans (my home team) and the Redskins (my first football love) both with wins AND the Lions - the freaking Detroit Lions beat the Cowboys (my most hated team of all time).  (And if you haven't heard how much I loathe the Dallas Cowboys, then you are very new to my blog.  Welcome!)

Mixed Bag

Thank you for the well wishes about the medical and job stuff. I wish I had a good return report on either or both for you.

The doctor* visit was less than super although I'm proud of myself for getting there with less stress than normal. (That exercise thing? Good plan!) My blood work came back with great numbers. Yay! No anemia - which I've had to deal with before and no thyroid issue which she was worried about. Until she said the test ruled that out, I didn't know they used blood tests for that. However, the radiology was "inconclusive" meaning I now have to go to a specialist to re-interpret what little they did see or to have more tests/procedures done. Joy!

Yet, before I got a chance to schedule those glorious new experiments in stress, I got a reprieve. Of the worst kind. I can't make those appointments because we no longer have insurance to cover them. John's company did in fact fold.** We are madly scrambling to be sure we have enough for the basics (shelter, food, electricity). We will have to forgo the luxuries like new running shoes and medical specialists until good things happen on the job front. (Cross fingers for us that the 3rd and 4th round interviews John has go well!)

On the training and goal meeting front:
I just looked at my January totals. They are untidy as I've done bits of everything here and there - pilates, walking, pushups, cardio dance etc. They are also - all things considered - much lower than I'd hoped/expected. They'd be great numbers if they were totals for a week instead of a month (in the same way that I'd be the perfect weight if I were 6 feet tall.) Seriously, having run yesterday and today, I've almost caught up to January's total mileage. The "official" training plan starts on Feb 23rd. I need to spend the next few weeks ramping up to at least the right amount of training time - even if I still do fun, off season workouts instead of the holy three. I need to have confidence and feel trained as much as I need to actually be trained by race day. The way to do that is to hit those numbers each week. Every week. That's what I'm going to concentrate on in February.

The January scale report is good news! I've lost 4.2 pounds since January 8th. That's exactly what I wanted to do. My goal is to keep losing a pound (to a pound and a half) a week. Every week. And to do it the healthy way by fueling and nourishing my body - not by stressing the pounds off in the short term!

With that, my friends, I'm off like a herd of turtles. Pat Summit is going for her 1,000th win tonight against Oklahoma. Go Vols!

PS'es:
*She's actually a nurse practitioner. Have I said that before? I haven't even laid eyes on the doctor in the practice, though I assured there is one. Somewhere.
**Or as close as makes no nevermind for us. They might possibly be able to resume development of their product in a few months and they'd love to have him work on it. In the meantime - no cashola. None.
***I can't believe how many of you have no interest in the Super Bowl, much less football! I'm grieving today over the upcoming lack of football. The game last night was GREAT! Everything you could ask for (and don't usually get) in a Super Bowl but it means no more football until September. I love that football has a definite season. I'm still sad, sad, sad that it's over already.

The Best Medicine

I totally blame Marcy for my wasted afternoon yesterday. I could NOT tear myself away from the site she linked to. On the other hand - the "sushi" picture I found there made me laugh so hard I scared the dogs. And I probably would have wasted the afternoon stressing about today's doctor appointment anyway had I not been busy laughing and freaking out the pups. So. I wish I could laugh like that again today. I'm a major anxiety ball this morning. If I had to measure my dread - it would be bigger than I am. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate going to the doctor's. (The gal I see would quip, "Good thing I'm a nurse practitioner then and not a doctor." She even offered not to wear her lab coat if that would make it better for me. Which it wouldn't, but I appreciate the sentiment. She is quite kind and good and professional and I trust her. Yet. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate having to go see her. That is what they call irrational. Phobias are like that I suppose.)

In an effort to follow my motto ("Behold, I am doing a new thing!") I am trying out a new strategy for dealing with this particular dread. I am going to workout before I go. In the past, I have tried to circumvent my doctor anxiety by employing one or more of the following distraction/avoidance tactics - eating "comfort" food, reading a mindless book, not getting ready until I don't have very much time left before I have to leave, scrubbing the floors, working a very difficult sudoku, folding laundry while bargaining with God that if I can get four loads done before the appointment - then I don't have to go, etc. Those strategies have worked well enough to get me to the doctor's office more often than not, but they're not really in keeping with my plan of, you know - growing and evolving. They're really all just sporadically effective stop gaps.

I contemplated all this at 2 a.m. (in between nightmares about missing trains because I was at the airport and falling down stairs and breaking all* of my arms - but I digress.) I do know that any version of bullying myself will not work. At all. Even though I cheer for folks who can motivate themselves with internal monologue of "HTFU" and "Put your big girl panties on and GO!" I know that will unleash backchat and tantrums in my own psyche. At this point you are probably saying a prayer of gratitude that you do not live in my noisy, sassy head - but wait, Trinity sometimes makes an appearance, so it's not all bad. Case in point :
The closest I get to the HTFU mentality is my hero's saying to herself, "Get up Trinity. Get up!"

Working out today before my appointment has a lot going for it. The physical work should help with the physical component of the stress; working out on schedule instead of letting myself off the hook should be good for my mental toughness; and it could help me start a healthy, new, reliable pattern. I realize that's a lot of coulds and shoulds to place on one Dance Cardio DVD. And I'll probably have sushi for lunch as a reward after so I'm not exactly giving up on the comfort food plan. Still, it's worth a try, isn't it?

*The "all" in this case was three. It's a sure sign I'm stressing out when I have extra limbs in my dreams. It always happens. I'm pretty sure I don't want anyone to tell me what this means.